I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
