Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
