I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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