Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Too much gin, very little bucket
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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