People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
