you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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