Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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