all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
