I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
