i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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