My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
