I wish I could teleport
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
