That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
