the condom got lost in my hair
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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