see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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