got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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