this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
