Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
