if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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