Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Two words: blizzard sex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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