You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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