he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is Oprah even human
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
