I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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