I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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