im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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