I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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