i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
