So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
