Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
