Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
