Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
