So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
