if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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