Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
no you cant smoke seaweed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
