I can text with my tongue
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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