i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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