On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I die, sorry about rent.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
