Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
