just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
