My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
