College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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