me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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