Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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