I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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