he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
