shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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