she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
