I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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