I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
