Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
