I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
