Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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