I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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